A Prayer from November

I spend most of my time wanting an image that my situation renders impractical
bearing a situational image that I'm only half proud of
and fighting with myself about my lack of pride.

I am chastised at each step for depression, lackadaisicality, and effortlessness.

"For months now." I'm told, like someone is spitting poison at me.

And I do wonder, "Where has my determination, my power, my will, gone?"

It isn't improper to call me out for it, but it stings, because I already call myself out for it so often, so scathingly, and because I wish others wouldn't notice that I've lost something.

God, where is my "spark?"

Why is it so diminished or so cloaked that even I cannot feel it? Where is it?

Any fires I may try to build are certainly crude and in the wrong place. Why won't you let me find me? What is the point of being lost?

I know you've found me, but, LORD, lead me to myself. What's the point of being human, of being "me", if I don't have the gumption to find myself?

Soon to Come

As it's Christmas time, I have been thinking a lot about why I am a Christian and what that should mean for me, how it is prevalent in my life, etc. I will be posting something to that end soon.

On another note, I've been double-timing with my time trying to get rid of a lot of clothing and purchasing Christmas presents; I wish everyone could be their own consignment store - it's sad to think that I've spent so much money on clothes over the years, and that most of it will never come back.

Recently, She-Ra: Princess of Power Season 1: Volume 1 was released on Netflix. Needless to say, I relived that great part of childhood. However, after I got past the first five or so episodes, I realized why I had always liked the books better. PLOT! The plot was lacking after the initial five episodes and the show took on a moral/edifying stance to tell kids to "be loyal", "stand up for your friends", etc. Good messages, however, when each episode has no correlation with the preceding episodes (save "I am She-Ra, secret alter-ego of Adora, leader of The Great Rebellion against Hordak.") I was slightly disappointed with that attitude, but if you look at each episode as it is, they work to the end they were created for.

Highlights of the week? So far, I've seen many friends, but the most precious times are of course spent with my best friend who has come home from college out of town. Last night, we met up with another friend from High School and eventually some of my friends from college and we played cards while they played Halo 2 and guitars. Eventually, we ended up watching Scorcese's "Gangs of New York", starring Daniel Day Lewis and Leonardo DiCaprio. I was awake until 4:12 in the morning for that one. But, it was fun - I'm glad to have spent time with those people.

Dec. 19, 2010

Today I am a girl who has friends to go about town with.

Today I am a girl who worships freely her creator.

Today I am a girl who walks around despite the pain.

Today I am a girl who has friends that call her tough, fierce, intimidating.

Today I am a girl who has friends that call her adorable.

Today I am a scholar of the human mind and heart.

Today I am a scholar of nature, feeling the chill of winter and watching animals fight.

Today I am a scholar of my own actions, ever watchful of my words.

Today I am a scholar of love and all the ways that can be delivered.

Today I am a pair of ears and a smile for friends who need them.

Today I am a pair of eyes, bearing witness to this world.

Today I am a pair of legs, walking about on this earth.

Today I am worried that I cannot make ends meet in the coming months.

Today I am worried that I will not go to the places want to go.

Today, a sinner, I am, and forever will be.

Behold, My Brother

My brother is a romping eighteen year-old who's shirt magically disappears when he enters the house, no matter the season, and who gets criminally upset when his advice, well-informed or naive, goes without acknowledgement. He is the same person who threw temper tantrums and would try to punch, kick, scream, and cry his way through a problem like divorce. He is the same person who leapt up from sleep to carry me to my bed when I was too injured to even crawl. He is someone I am proud of, mindful of, free with, someone to admonish, to tease. We share our deepest wounds, the sweat on our brows, the exhale of satisfaction that comes from laughing heartily. In many ways, he will always be an old, dear friend, but, he is my brother, much more than any friend, and certainly no less.

Newer Art

This was the first in a series for my AP portfolio as a High School Senior. I see what I need to fix about it now, but I am stil fond of it as it was something I labored over.

Old Art

This was some fan art I drew for an Avatar the Last Airbender forum I had joined back when the series came out (the drawing is a little newer than that, though.) The base for the image was inspired by Shin Megami Tensai's Persona 3 art (which I was really into at the time I drew the image.)

Reflection

Insight to the self is about honesty; looking into the self requires recognizing that you had overlooked or ignored something and must now acknowledge and come to terms with it. I had a moment like that yesterday - it was a long, drawn out moment. This is a bit of what it was:

Two of the things I detest most in life are disappointing others and being inadequate to a task. I am the sort of person (for the most part) who, when "pushed over the edge", so to speak, delves into doing something. (At the moment, it's knitting scarves while watching Korean daytime dramas.) The latter results in a defensive personality, manifesting when I least expect it and at almost every corner. If a friend pokes at something I say, I always have a reason for it, a way to counter (not a counter-attack per se, but something that explains or neutralizes any potential negativity or "off-ness".) It is hard to explain, because I do not understand fully this concept myself. What I can say is that I am currently indefinitely defensive and am so without even realizing it until after having reacted in a defensive manner. I will scrutinize this further.

On another note, losing sight of an systematic, ordered approach to almost anything sends me reeling; if I don't know exactly what to do, I get nervous, though I do my best to be brave and trudge ahead (and I admit, things usually turn out well, to my pleasant surprise.) Example: the first time I had to ride the bus to work, I checked and rechecked my route, rendez-vous point, and called the bus company at least twice a day until it was time to go (slight exaggeration, however, not as much as I want it to be.) Everything went off without a hitch, and I was relieved, laughing inwardly at myself over having been anxious. And yet it happens.

I will end with this:

How can someone who is proficient at building walls have relations outside of them? Does not one need doors and windows for air?

If you do not let yourself breathe, then you suffocate yourself. If no one is there to say, "You are not breathing." or to exemplify breathing or suffocation, then there is no standard or exhibit of breathing or of suffocation.