Two of the things I detest most in life are disappointing others and being inadequate to a task. I am the sort of person (for the most part) who, when "pushed over the edge", so to speak, delves into doing something. (At the moment, it's knitting scarves while watching Korean daytime dramas.) The latter results in a defensive personality, manifesting when I least expect it and at almost every corner. If a friend pokes at something I say, I always have a reason for it, a way to counter (not a counter-attack per se, but something that explains or neutralizes any potential negativity or "off-ness".) It is hard to explain, because I do not understand fully this concept myself. What I can say is that I am currently indefinitely defensive and am so without even realizing it until after having reacted in a defensive manner. I will scrutinize this further.
On another note, losing sight of an systematic, ordered approach to almost anything sends me reeling; if I don't know exactly what to do, I get nervous, though I do my best to be brave and trudge ahead (and I admit, things usually turn out well, to my pleasant surprise.) Example: the first time I had to ride the bus to work, I checked and rechecked my route, rendez-vous point, and called the bus company at least twice a day until it was time to go (slight exaggeration, however, not as much as I want it to be.) Everything went off without a hitch, and I was relieved, laughing inwardly at myself over having been anxious. And yet it happens.
I will end with this:
How can someone who is proficient at building walls have relations outside of them? Does not one need doors and windows for air?
If you do not let yourself breathe, then you suffocate yourself. If no one is there to say, "You are not breathing." or to exemplify breathing or suffocation, then there is no standard or exhibit of breathing or of suffocation.
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