Reflection

Insight to the self is about honesty; looking into the self requires recognizing that you had overlooked or ignored something and must now acknowledge and come to terms with it. I had a moment like that yesterday - it was a long, drawn out moment. This is a bit of what it was:

Two of the things I detest most in life are disappointing others and being inadequate to a task. I am the sort of person (for the most part) who, when "pushed over the edge", so to speak, delves into doing something. (At the moment, it's knitting scarves while watching Korean daytime dramas.) The latter results in a defensive personality, manifesting when I least expect it and at almost every corner. If a friend pokes at something I say, I always have a reason for it, a way to counter (not a counter-attack per se, but something that explains or neutralizes any potential negativity or "off-ness".) It is hard to explain, because I do not understand fully this concept myself. What I can say is that I am currently indefinitely defensive and am so without even realizing it until after having reacted in a defensive manner. I will scrutinize this further.

On another note, losing sight of an systematic, ordered approach to almost anything sends me reeling; if I don't know exactly what to do, I get nervous, though I do my best to be brave and trudge ahead (and I admit, things usually turn out well, to my pleasant surprise.) Example: the first time I had to ride the bus to work, I checked and rechecked my route, rendez-vous point, and called the bus company at least twice a day until it was time to go (slight exaggeration, however, not as much as I want it to be.) Everything went off without a hitch, and I was relieved, laughing inwardly at myself over having been anxious. And yet it happens.

I will end with this:

How can someone who is proficient at building walls have relations outside of them? Does not one need doors and windows for air?

If you do not let yourself breathe, then you suffocate yourself. If no one is there to say, "You are not breathing." or to exemplify breathing or suffocation, then there is no standard or exhibit of breathing or of suffocation.

Ningen wa Ningen

I see news of ethnic violence. I hear stories of racial prejudice. I bear witness to the humiliation of many at the whim of many.

I share this world with diverse peoples. How often we overlook our commonalities in favor of spotlighting our differences.
If this is one Earth, why are we not one people? One nation? One race? We could be the nation of humankind, the race of humankind.
I sink inwardly as I feel this weighing on my mind. My brothers and sisters do not let themselves be just that.

What merit does one's skin color hold if you are in a room full of people dying at the hands of other people? What of gender? What of religion? What of social status?
Nothing.

At the end of the day, humans are human. We sleep. We eat. We live.
We have each been born, and we will each die.

If we each live, why not live together?

We have been given hearts to love and our lives depend on this. We see, smell, hear, touch. We desire, rescind. Yet we do not do these things together.

We are stubborn. We do not accept differences. We elevate ourselves to a fabricated "status quo" and deny the merit of all else.

Here's saying: I am not the status quo. I lament this folly of humankind. I look forward to the day when every knee shall bow, together, and acknowledge truth.

Soli Deo Gloria

(Current) Various Ways I Spend Time:

-contemplating traits that set humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom like the fact that we compile and share not only our personal memories and traditions but those of entire cultures and heritages
digging up memories
-reading and rereading decent literature
-watching all sorts of movies, be they “cheesy”, Criterion, anime, action/adventure, indie, foreign, or whatever else I watch (including but not limited to all things Hayao Miyazaki, Wes Andersen, Ang Lee, and Wong Kar Wai)
-lamenting the fact that I know what regret feels like
-Praying to God
-craving Nerds candy or cookie dough or chai tea or to hold my kitty-cats or to have a boyfriend or to illustrate and author a children’s fairy tale
-walking to/from the gym (to work or to work out)
-sleeping or wanting to sleep
-playing Final Fantasy XIII (Seriously. I’m addicted to all things FF. Crystal Chronicles, you may regret hooking me on this franchise.)
-musing over the “if’s”
-over-analyzing all things pertaining to my life — I also have more self-control than many people I know
-listening
-drawing
-staring at a computer screen for one reason or another
-not owning a cereal bar/light food/cafe/study zone/bakery/small theater/handcrafted goods/used book …store (?)
-not being in Tokyo
-not being in Aix

The Latest and Greatest

I laugh to myself when I call up memories and see how my situations could become parodies. It's harsh, it's hard, I've had my nose ground into to pavement up and down the boulevard. We jive with reality, brave fatality, and remind ourselves that we've got more to look for than the latest and greatest escape. Too bad this was't caught on tape. I'm sick of neutrality in it's totality -- and did you ever think of livin' an honest life? No crack, no horse, no whores of course; I see you breakin' out the e -- is it really that tough to just be?

The SB

I spent my week doing things which for the most part have no effect on anyone.

I wrote my comings and goings on a little, yellow with white polka-dots, dry-erase board that only two other people bothered with. One was a kind acquaintance leaving me notice that the hot water in our building was going to be out for two more days and the other an acquaintance who described me as fuzzy, with no explanation. I shave. I do.

I built my resume, attempted to file my taxes, put together a portfolio showcasing my marketing capabilities, and watched copious amounts of anime and a few movies. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit to watching two 12-episode (~30 min) shows, one 21-episode show, and all the Miyazaki I could handle (which is a lot). Yes, I am an anime fan. I should not be embarrassed by that, but I somewhat am -- it's something my friends poke fun at me for, though I'm not sure why... I also watched Baumbach's 'Kicking and Screaming' and Gondry's 'Be Kind, Rewind'. I enjoyed both, Baumbach's scripting kept me vastly entertained while Gondry's effects and imagination piqued curiosity as usual.

I also went through my wardrobe in preparation for spring, and I must say, I am parting with a few things. I am satisfied with that.

Outcry

We have anthems. like "Coffee is our lifeblood." or "Love is forever, love is free." And we feel we can only be ruled through autonomy, no sense of the brotherhood that is a republican democracy. We run on processed sugars, no calories, slowed maladies, and an ever-absorbing self-importance leaving us noses up, fists 'round our wads, name-callin' -- no respect -- where's the turn around? I don't see it yet.

Remembering What's What

Tonight I was able to revitalize something that had sunk deep within myself. Vanished. I knew something was amiss in my attitude, but did not seek out the cause. I prayed constantly for the answer to be revealed, selfishly, I prayed. I was not pursuing the answer of those prayers, merely saying them – even the right words are useless if they are not acted upon.

My problem was this: during the past few weeks, I had lost sight of what it means to look at other people as my fellows, as my kin. I only saw their quantifiable traits: intelligence, wit, beauty, poise, tact, rudeness, rashness, guile, foolishness, ignorance, and etcetera. I tried to put people on “levels” based on where their pros and cons averaged out. I unwittingly dehumanized everyone in this way.

There are no “levels” of people. We are all born in sin. We will all die. We have life to live, together.

I had misplaced the fact that God is in my brothers and sisters. God, the unquantifiable. God, my God. God, my Father. God, the Father of my brothers and sisters.

I was reminded of Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’”

I was not treating my fellow humans as if they bore the face of God. I have the love of God in me; my brothers and sisters have the love of God in them. I was not allowing this reality to phase me.

To look at my fellows like this, as having the presence of God in them, renews my respect, my love, for them. Thank you my dear, dear friend for helping me through this. Thank you my God for warming my heart.

I am still analytical; I will be until I die – thank you Daddy, thank you Western culture. But, I recognize what I have done. From here, in the love of God, I can love better.